When it comes to planning your estate, one of the hardest decisions parents face is how to divide their assets among their children. Most assume equal shares are the best approach. But what if equal isn’t truly fair?
As a wills & trusts lawyer near Truth or Consequences, I’ve seen firsthand how estate plans that aim for equality can create unintended hurt and division. What many families really need is not a “one-size-fits-all” approach—but a thoughtful, fair strategy that fits their unique circumstances.
Equal Doesn’t Always Mean Fair
On paper, giving each child the same inheritance seems like the easiest and most straightforward option. But families are complicated. Circumstances vary. Consider these real-world scenarios:
- One adult child lives with and cares for the aging parent, handling everything from bills to medical care.
- Another child has a disability and relies on government benefits that could be jeopardized by a direct inheritance.
- A third child has struggled with addiction or poor financial choices, and a lump-sum inheritance might do more harm than good.
- Or perhaps one sibling is well-off, while another is living paycheck to paycheck.
In each case, dividing the estate equally may feel unfair to one or more parties involved.
What “Fair” Could Look Like
Rather than striving for perfect equality, many families are now choosing to pursue equity—an approach that considers each person’s needs, contributions, and circumstances.
Here are some ways that can look in practice:
1. Rewarding Caregivers
If one child has taken on the role of caregiver—perhaps giving up job opportunities or personal time—it may be fair to recognize that sacrifice with a larger inheritance, the family home, or long-term use of assets.
2. Special Needs Planning
Children with disabilities may require lifelong care. Creating a Special Needs Trust can provide for them without impacting eligibility for essential benefits. These trusts are complex and must be carefully drafted, which is why it’s so important to work with an experienced wills & trusts lawyer.
3. Protecting Vulnerable Heirs
When a child struggles with addiction, financial instability, or legal issues, a traditional inheritance might be risky. A trust with restrictions or a neutral trustee can protect both the child and the estate. In extreme cases, disinheritance may be considered—with proper documentation and legal counsel to avoid conflict.
4. Adjusting for Financial Inequality
If one child is financially independent while another struggles, it may make sense to leave more to the child who needs it most. This can feel uncomfortable, but with open conversations and clear explanations, many families find understanding and peace.
How to Start the Inheritance Conversation
These decisions are deeply personal and emotional. That’s why communication is key. The families who manage these issues successfully often do so through honest, structured conversations—sometimes with the help of their attorney or a trusted advisor.
Here are some guiding questions to start:
- What are your values around money and inheritance?
- What kind of legacy do you want to leave?
- What are the needs and circumstances of each child?
- Are there concerns about how a child might use their inheritance?
- What might feel “fair” to each person involved?
Answering these questions can help define your goals and avoid misunderstandings later.
What Happens If You Don’t Talk About Inheritances and Expectations with Children?
One of the most painful outcomes I see is when children find out after a parent’s passing that inheritances were unequal—with no explanation. The sense of unfairness can damage sibling relationships permanently. Read more in our article, Can Unequal Inheritances Be Fair?
Even if your decisions are unconventional, sharing your reasoning during your lifetime can help your children feel respected and included—even if they don’t entirely agree.
Work With the Right Estate Planning Attorney
Every family is different, and every estate plan should reflect that. A skilled wills & trusts lawyer in Truth or Consequences can help guide these difficult decisions with compassion and clarity.
We’ll work together to:
- Understand your family’s unique dynamics
- Protect vulnerable heirs without creating resentment
- Draft legally sound trusts and documents that reflect your intentions
- Facilitate conversations (if you choose) with your loved ones
With the right support, your estate plan can be a source of security—not stress—for your family.
Read more about choosing the right estate planning attorney in our article, Why Choosing the Right Estate Planning Attorney Matters for Your Future
Ready to get started?
If you have questions about inheritance fairness or need help drafting your estate plan, request a discovery call today. At E-Law, we’ll help you create a personalized plan that fits your family’s needs and honors your values.
Key Takeaways
- Equal isn’t always fair when it comes to inheritance. Each child’s circumstances should guide your estate planning decisions.
- Caregivers, special needs children, and vulnerable heirs may need more tailored support to ensure long-term well-being and financial stability.
- Open, structured conversations with your family can reduce misunderstandings, resentment, and conflict after you’re gone.
- Customized estate plans, guided by a knowledgeable wills & trusts lawyer in Truth or Consequences, can reflect your values and protect your legacy.
- Professional legal advice helps ensure your intentions are legally sound and clearly communicated to your loved ones.
References: Kiplinger (Dec. 18, 2022) “How Should Your Children Inherit? 4 Scenarios Where ‘Equal’ Is Not Appropriate” and Merrill Center for Family Wealth (2024) “Fair, equal and equitable A guide for families navigating gifts, estate planning and inheritance”
